I find it odd how some people can have the best intentions and still manage to attempt to crush my spirit. And I am mainly talking about fellow, spiritual Christians who I believe love and care about me. Sometimes I just wish people would stop and think about James 1:19 before they offer me “advice.”
“Be quick to hear, slow to speak...”
I was diagnosed with Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2001, Kidney Disease in 2004, Sjogren’s Syndrome (yeah, I know – what is *that?!*) in 2005, Degenerative Bone Disease in 2006 (which is now in my jaw, neck, back, hands and hips), and Celiac’s Disease this past year. I am allergic to well, almost everything except kitties (much to my doctor’s amazement) which cause almost weekly migraines. And, I have a stomach that just never… acts right.
I didn’t list all my aliments for sympathy, although I will admit there are times that I wish people understood my world a little better. You see, these are all “invisible” health issues – meaning that to most people, I look completely healthy. I have found this to be a double edged sword. On one hand – I’m glad. In fact, I try very hard to “pretend” that I am a normal, healthy woman who can do anything that any normal, healthy woman can. Except – I can’t. And that’s where the other hand comes in.
Sometimes I *need* people to understand that I can’t do everything without… effort. Effort to get out of bed each day and to do all the normal things that most people take for granted. And believe me when I say that I KNOW it is by the grace of God that I can. He pushes me every day to press on, and sometimes He reminds me that I need to rest. And I don’t like to complain because, having been labeled a hypochondriac as a child, I never really think anyone believes me. After all, I look perfectly healthy, right? But the truth is – I’m not.
But I could be. I have NO DOUBT that Jesus could, in the snap of a finger, restore me to perfect health. I could be healed of all these “incurable” diseases and my life would be completely different. And what an awesome and astounding testimony to Christ that would be. I pray for healing every day, not just for me, but for others in my life I know suffer with daily challenges as well (Bethany and Anita – I’m especially talking about you J). And I know that there are *so many* who pray for me on a daily basis.
My Faith has always been important in my life, but there were times when it wavered, and when I was first hit with this wave of illnesses, it was shaken. I thought that God forgot about me, was punishing me for something, or my needs and desires just weren’t important. That was the easiest way for the devil to get to me – making me think that if God really loved me, He would KNOW what I needed and not make me suffer. I mean – I have more faith than a mustard seed, so why wouldn’t He move my mountain? He can heal me – so why doesn’t He? But the answer has become very simple to me: My ways are not always His ways.
I often been surprised (and hurt) when I have had a fellow Christian tell me that I can be healed if I have faith and believe it so. If I would just claim healing then it would be mine. I have actually had (what I am sure were well meaning) people tell me this. The thing is -- I don’t believe that faith has anything to do with whether or not the Lord chooses healing. I know that some won’t agree with me, but as someone who lives with chronic conditions, I assure you. I have faith. I have faith in a God who is All Knowing and All Powerful. And He wants what’s best for me, even if I don’t understand what that is. One of my favorite quotes is “God is more concerned with your holiness than your happiness.” I can tell you without hesitation that I have grown more spiritually over the past few years than I would have without having to trust and rely on Jesus every day for strength. And I want that to be my testimony: That I continue to praise God despite the illnesses, because He continues to bless me through it.
I will admit that I still pray for healing, because it is my desire. But I cannot begin to imagine how different and horrible my life would be if God had granted my every desire. He has, however, continued to grant my every need.
Well said... God isn't out to get you, and it's not that you aren't strong enough in your faith. Whether He chooses to heal you miraculously or chooses to allow the pain to continue, He's doing it for His glorification. And I think you're a testament to that. I'm inspired by your journey... maybe that's what He wanted by allowing this in your life, but it's certainly not for me (or anyone else!) to say without a shadow of a doubt what He intends for you in this.
ReplyDeleteI love you more than words can say. I am so encouraged by your faith in Christ that is not based on what He does for you (that He isn't some magical genie in the sky, waiting to give you whatever you ask, as some believers think), but rather on who He is and what He is about-- namely, the glory of His own name. Often, I think about the fact that to us (or maybe it's just me) it seems ironic that to those whom the Lord loves, He deals a seemingly rough/"unfair" hand. It is not ironic, but rather a paradox. He does love you. He has given you this incredible gift: to suffer well and give honor to His name. How amazing that you recognize this! Most people in your situation do not recognize it and are the most miserable of people.
ReplyDeleteI do think that it is very Biblical, though, to continue to ask Him to remove these diseases and to restore you to full health. It demonstrates that you believe that God is who He says He is and He can do what He says He can do...even if He chooses not to. You're a wise woman. =)
You are inspiring.
=)
God bless you Sue - we love you. We pray too that the Lord will heal you and he will one day. We just don't know when, and it may not be on this side of life, but you and the rest of us will be whole again. God's timing sometimes just doesn't make sense does it? But we are called to trust him...still.
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