Change

I have a strange relationship with change.

In some ways – I embrace it.

I think there is nothing more satisfying than moving around the furniture in our house. Most of the people in my life think that I am crazy. I guess they subscribe to the philosophy that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. But this is –seriously-- one of my most favorite things to do. Aside from the fact that I am convinced it is the only true way to clean a room, it just *feels* good. It’s like you have something new, different (and clean!) without having to spend any money. I inherited this characteristic from my mom, and as far as I can remember I was always moving my room around, and when I had a place of my own, moving *every* room around. Chris told me that when we dated he never knew where the furniture would be when he would come to my house. (In his defense, he usually helps me. He may complain the whole time, but he helps). It’s definitely something you either get (Jessica!) or something you don’t (my mother-in- law). But this kind of change renews my spirit.

Then there’s the kind of change I don’t like at first, but later come to appreciate.

I used to manage hotels. When I was young, my favorite thing to do was to stay in hotels. So unlike a lot of people, I actually had the career that I wanted to as a child. Of course, it was nothing like I thought it would be, but I loved almost everything about it. When I was diagnosed with Lupus, which is an autoimmune disease which in my case causes extreme fatigue, it became increasingly difficult for me to perform this job without sacrificing my health in the process – mostly because the job requires you to be on call 24/7. After I married Chris and moved to Birmingham, I never found a hotel where I felt like I was meant to be (Huntsville spoiled me forever). After the doctor told me a few years ago to change jobs if I wanted a 10 year anniversary, it wasn’t a difficult choice.

I went to work at an engineering firm and the change was excruciating. I had been in charge for almost 12 years, and suddenly I wasn’t. And it was so, so, so boring. But the money was good, and I actually had a job where I was off nights, weekends, and holidays. I think that was the biggest change – I went from having a career to having a job. Believe me, there is a difference. I didn’t appreciate it at first, but I grew to see this job, however boring, as a blessing. I could be off anytime I needed to go to the doctor (and when you have 4 different doctors, you need the flexibility). And I was finally able to work at home 2 days a week which turned out to be one of the greatest aspects of my job. However, now, the business has closed (not as a victim of the economy, but a victim of bad decisions. But that’s a whole other story). So I find myself facing another change: unemployment.

This is the kind of change I hate – uncertainty.

My favorite bible verse is Philippians 4:6, “Be anxious for nothing. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made know to God.” The funny thing is that this is my favorite because it is the HARDEST thing for me to do. You see -- I am a planner. I like to have a plan for everything. (Yes, some people would refer to this as a control freak, but I prefer “organizer.”) And if I don’t know what’s ahead – I worry. I know that I shouldn’t, and God doesn’t want me to, so why is it so hard to let the anxiety go? I have all these doubts running through my head: How can I possibly get a job where I can be off to go to the doctor as much as I do? There’s no way I could get a job where I could work from home! I can’t work in an office because of my physical limitations! I need a job soon so we don’t run out of money ! But I don’t want to have to start a new job! And it grows and grows and grows… And I hate it.

I hate uncertainty because it’s uncomfortable, stressful, and it starts to crush my spirit. It’s then that I have to remind myself of my favorite verse. Be anxious for nothing. NOTHING. Not a job, or my health, or my family. NOTHING. God knows exactly what I need, and he’s been preparing a job for me even before I lost this one. And I know that this will somehow turn into the kind of change that I will later come to appreciate.

Until then, I’ll go look around my house for the next room of furniture that looks like it could use a change.