Tick, Tock...

Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Timing is everything.
There is a time for every purpose under heaven.

It's been a long, uh, *time* since I've written on my blog, but I felt compelled to do so. Life changes tend to do that to me.
I've been thinking a lot about the reality of God's timing. As I have said before, I lost my job in December, and have been looking for another ever since. Not that I didn't have hiccups along the way, but I have, in order to collect unemployment (ethically!), been searching for a job. Since DECEMBER. There were weeks that I would submit as many as 30 resumes. I had a couple of calls for interviews, but they either were too far away (2 hour commute -- one way) or didn't pay enough. (The latter is something that a lot of people don't understand seeing as having some income seems better than none. But I spent years hiring people and training people, only to have them leave 2 months later because they weren't making enough money. I just didn't want to take a job someone offered me in good faith, only to leave as soon as I found something that paid more.) And I realize I am one among many searching for work, but sometimes I felt like we were living on borrowed time. As I said before, I was getting unemployment, and we had savings, but there was only so long that was going to be sufficient. The fact was that I needed to work.
Not that I wanted to. Quite frankly, I LOVE being at home. I am not one of those people who is ever bored at home. There is, seriously, always something to do. I spent every day accomplishing something. I painted three rooms in my house. I spent months working in the yard. I always had a clean house. I spent the day with my kitties, who, as everyone who knows, are my "kids." I had quiet times with God unlike any I had ever had before. I had dinner waiting for Chris every day, because I also discovered how much I really love cooking. I took my parents to Pensacola to see my sister and her family ( and great-grandson!). While we were there, I was able to take my dad to see his brother who he hadn't seen in years. I started a website. All things that would not have been possible had I been working. It has been a wonderful time for me, and for that I am grateful. But I always knew, in the back of my mind, that there was a ticking clock telling me that time was running out.

Now, I tend to be very specific when I pray. I wanted a job that paid enough, was close to home, and that I would enjoy. Yes, I know it's called work for a reason. But I also know that you can have a job that you also enjoy because I had one in Huntsville years ago. I worked with people who are still special and dear to me, and although it was sometimes stressful, I actually enjoyed work. I had determined at some point that I would never have that again having been at 3 continious jobs that I didn't enjoy, but then I realized that was ridiculous. Anything was possible.

Back to my Awesome God and His timing. I admit there were days that I would get down, and I would ask God what the heck He was doing. These were the days where I let the devil sneak in and make me doubt, worry, and question whether I mattered to Him at all. But He would quietly let me know that He was still there, and that He had everything under control. I truly felt Him tell me a couple of weeks ago to get ready because things were about to change. Again.

I applied for a job about 2 weeks ago at a Hospice that I had applied to before. I almost didn't for this very reason, but God told me to, so I obeyed Him :) I received a call the next day asking for an interview. I would later find out that I was the last in a long line of interviews, and before I came, they had already decided on another candidate. Anyway, the next day, they offered me the job.

It's a testimony to God's faithfulness. I wasn't hired for the job I applied for, but as the manager. The job is at a Hospice, and while I hope to enjoy the job, I am happy to be at a place that matters. While it's not close to home (I do, after all, live in the boonies!) I received 5 other calls for interviews that very week. And it turns out, this WAS the closest to my house! Not only that, I was spared interview after interview, and was offered the first job I interviewed for.

Now I hear another clock ticking -- the one telling me that this time at home is coming to an end. And while I am honestly sad about that, I'm even more amazed than ever at God's timing in everything. And as the doubt tries to creep in, I just stop and refuse to be anxious. Because I know that He'll watch over my kittes while I'm working, that Chris will help me out around the house, that my body will adjust to the schedule, and that I will learn what I need to know to excel at this job. For the first time since I moved to Birmingham, I feel like I am right where God wants me to be.

It just took some time.

Time to grow.

Time to listen.

And most importantly, time to trust.

Fear and Gratitude

Why is it that we have to learn lessons over and over again before we get it through our stubborn head? Or is this just me? :)

Since I’ve been dealing with some health issues, I haven’t written in awhile, but the latest journey has taught me an important lesson on fear. Of course, this is about the 100th time that God has tried to show me this message – let’s hope next time I remember it.

I finally decided – after years of problems – to have my gall bladder removed. I know it sounds like an easy decision, but it wasn’t for me. I have so many health issues that can interfere with healing and immunity, that surgery – little or big – becomes a major choice. But having prayed about it, and God literally (through my doctors) leading me toward it, I decided that – OK, I’ll do it. I mean, I’m not working right now. I am under no time table to heal. And most of all, what if it works and I have one less pesky health problem?

So I did what I always do. After going into busy mode to put it out of my mind (but hey, the dining room and hallway needed to be painted!) – I start praying about the specifics of it. The most important things to me were:

~The surgery be early in the morning
~No complications during the surgery
~That the surgery would fix the problem we were trying to fix
~That my recovery would go smoothly
~And most important of all to ME: That I didn’t get sick after surgery.

I know this seems ridiculous in the big picture, but each time I have had anesthesia, I have been horribly sick. I won’t give details, but it is usually brutal. So this was my greatest fear. I knew there would be pain, so that was ok with me. Just no nausea when I woke up from the surgery and I could deal with everything else just fine.

I prayed faithfully every day, as well as being on just about every prayer list imaginable. I knew that I was being lifted up in prayer -- I could just feel it. On the day of the surgery, I wasn’t scared. I was at peace…except about one thing. The most important thing to me: Being sick when I woke up. Every time I would pray, God kept telling me:

“Um, Susan. Do you trust me?”

“Um, yes Lord -- Of course. But sometimes You decide to do things that I don’t want. I’m just saying – this is really important to me…”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“Well, yes…”

“Then TRUST me.”

My surgery day arrives, and I was told to be there at 6:15. Yay! Answered prayer. My Mom and Dad came from Huntsville, so my Mom went to the hospital with me and Chris and my Dad stayed home to kitty-sit. (Which was very important and extra special since he wasn’t feeling well. ) I wasn’t scared – just a little anxious in the way anyone is – but ALL I could think about was:

I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.

My anesthesiologist came in to talk to me as usual, and I told her about my past situations, so she loaded me up with a whole bunch of anti-nausea drugs. She even said that she would give me some before I left the operating room just to be sure. But still, that nagging voice:

I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.

I woke up in recovery and the surgery had no complications. Yay! Answered prayer again! And then, it came. My worst fear. I was BRUTALLY sick.

My sweet mother and caring husband had to deal with hours of me unable to even sit up. Bless Chris and my Mom – they were incredible. Both so comforting to me in a way that I can’t even put into words. The nurses kind of gave up and let my Mom and Chris deal with me because they had given me another dose of medication, but there wasn’t anything left for them to do. I had to just get through it. After a couple of hours, I was able to go home.

It’s been almost two weeks, and I am slowly recovering. And – I haven’t had the problem that we think the gall bladder was causing. Yay! Bam-Bam, two answered prayers!

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the ONE thing that I just wouldn’t give over to God was the one fear that came true. He wanted to take this fear from me, but I just refused to let go of it. I held onto it as tightly as I could. I didn’t trust Him with it. Sure, He could have chosen to eliminate the sickness after surgery. But I think He wanted me to really live the lesson this time: You have to GIVE ME your fear if you want it to truly go away.

As far as gratitude, I was overwhelmed by the feeling during this time. Gratitude for an incredible husband who got a lot more than he signed up for when we got married and has risen to every challenge. Gratitude for loving and caring parents who not only am I blessed to still have, but that -- after 42 years – want to take care of me. Gratitude for a sister and a brother that actually care about their little sister. Gratitude for Jess, Bethany and Anita for being the special gifts that they are in my life. Gratitude for in-laws that treat me as if I were their own daughter. Gratitude for every single person who prayed for me. I genuinely felt the prayers.

And gratitude to a Heavenly Father who’s always with me, loves me, and offers me blessings, grace, mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis.

So – I got it, Lord. In fact, as I enter my fourth month of unemployment and begin looking for a job, it would be really easy to slip into some bad thinking... What am I going to even look for? What can I possibly do that my health won’t interfere with? What…. Wait a minute.

Here you go Lord – it’s all Yours. No fear.

The Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says “Do not be afraid”
The Voice of Truth says ”This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.
~Casting Crowns

My Valentine

I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day.

I realize that the day is supposed to celebrate people in love, but I always felt like it served to make single people feel alone. Let’s face it – if you don’t have a Valentine of your own, most people spend the day dwelling on that fact (at least, most women :) Having been single for a really, really long time, I still have a soft spot in my heart for those that are still searching for theirs, so even now I don’t make a big deal about the day.

But I wanted to take a moment to say some things about my Valentine -- because he *is* a big deal.

I’m not going to go into our marriage and how it's great, and blah, blah, blah… We work on it every day, and the only thing I will say is that I believe every couple has to find what works best for them -- but they have to keep evolving. We are constantly discovering ways to make our marriage stronger, and I am thankful that God gave me someone who shares that spirit of commitment.

There are many reasons that I “fell” in love with Chris, but I find comfort in the reasons that I love him today: our Faith; a silly sense of humor that we share, respect for our parents, affection for our kitties, and a devotion to one another. We frustrate each other -- and we make each other laugh -- but I always know that at the end of the day he’s there with a loyalty and faithfulness that I can depend on.

The thing I want to emphasize about Chris is what he has become to me.

Chris isn’t romantic. He isn’t particularly “sweet,” although he has his moments. But he has a strength that I have come to rely on – more so than he realizes. He has dealt with important changes and adjustments in our marriage with character and compassion. I have faced health obstacles at every turn since we have been together that led to both our inability to have children as well as employment complications. And he had taken them all with grace, quiet acceptance, and sometimes a much needed dose of laughter. He taught himself to be encouraging and sensitive to me, since those characteristics don’t always come natural to him. And he has shown patience that surprises me at every turn.

I guess that I just want to say that I am thankful that I didn’t get all those prayers answered the way I wanted when I was younger. I’m glad that God waited and gave me what He knew was best for me -- My handsome, strong, funny, loving and supportive husband. And the assurance that he’s as devoted to me as I am to him.

So -- Happy Valentine’s Day, Pookie. I love you.

"Love bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Faith and Healing

I find it odd how some people can have the best intentions and still manage to attempt to crush my spirit. And I am mainly talking about fellow, spiritual Christians who I believe love and care about me. Sometimes I just wish people would stop and think about James 1:19 before they offer me “advice.”

“Be quick to hear, slow to speak...”

I was diagnosed with Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2001, Kidney Disease in 2004, Sjogren’s Syndrome (yeah, I know – what is *that?!*) in 2005, Degenerative Bone Disease in 2006 (which is now in my jaw, neck, back, hands and hips), and Celiac’s Disease this past year. I am allergic to well, almost everything except kitties (much to my doctor’s amazement) which cause almost weekly migraines. And, I have a stomach that just never… acts right.

I didn’t list all my aliments for sympathy, although I will admit there are times that I wish people understood my world a little better. You see, these are all “invisible” health issues – meaning that to most people, I look completely healthy. I have found this to be a double edged sword. On one hand – I’m glad. In fact, I try very hard to “pretend” that I am a normal, healthy woman who can do anything that any normal, healthy woman can. Except – I can’t. And that’s where the other hand comes in.

Sometimes I *need* people to understand that I can’t do everything without… effort. Effort to get out of bed each day and to do all the normal things that most people take for granted. And believe me when I say that I KNOW it is by the grace of God that I can. He pushes me every day to press on, and sometimes He reminds me that I need to rest. And I don’t like to complain because, having been labeled a hypochondriac as a child, I never really think anyone believes me. After all, I look perfectly healthy, right? But the truth is – I’m not.

But I could be. I have NO DOUBT that Jesus could, in the snap of a finger, restore me to perfect health. I could be healed of all these “incurable” diseases and my life would be completely different. And what an awesome and astounding testimony to Christ that would be. I pray for healing every day, not just for me, but for others in my life I know suffer with daily challenges as well (Bethany and Anita – I’m especially talking about you J). And I know that there are *so many* who pray for me on a daily basis.

My Faith has always been important in my life, but there were times when it wavered, and when I was first hit with this wave of illnesses, it was shaken. I thought that God forgot about me, was punishing me for something, or my needs and desires just weren’t important. That was the easiest way for the devil to get to me – making me think that if God really loved me, He would KNOW what I needed and not make me suffer. I mean – I have more faith than a mustard seed, so why wouldn’t He move my mountain? He can heal me – so why doesn’t He? But the answer has become very simple to me: My ways are not always His ways.

I often been surprised (and hurt) when I have had a fellow Christian tell me that I can be healed if I have faith and believe it so. If I would just claim healing then it would be mine. I have actually had (what I am sure were well meaning) people tell me this. The thing is -- I don’t believe that faith has anything to do with whether or not the Lord chooses healing. I know that some won’t agree with me, but as someone who lives with chronic conditions, I assure you. I have faith. I have faith in a God who is All Knowing and All Powerful. And He wants what’s best for me, even if I don’t understand what that is. One of my favorite quotes is “God is more concerned with your holiness than your happiness.” I can tell you without hesitation that I have grown more spiritually over the past few years than I would have without having to trust and rely on Jesus every day for strength. And I want that to be my testimony: That I continue to praise God despite the illnesses, because He continues to bless me through it.

I will admit that I still pray for healing, because it is my desire. But I cannot begin to imagine how different and horrible my life would be if God had granted my every desire. He has, however, continued to grant my every need.

Change

I have a strange relationship with change.

In some ways – I embrace it.

I think there is nothing more satisfying than moving around the furniture in our house. Most of the people in my life think that I am crazy. I guess they subscribe to the philosophy that if it’s not broke, don’t fix it. But this is –seriously-- one of my most favorite things to do. Aside from the fact that I am convinced it is the only true way to clean a room, it just *feels* good. It’s like you have something new, different (and clean!) without having to spend any money. I inherited this characteristic from my mom, and as far as I can remember I was always moving my room around, and when I had a place of my own, moving *every* room around. Chris told me that when we dated he never knew where the furniture would be when he would come to my house. (In his defense, he usually helps me. He may complain the whole time, but he helps). It’s definitely something you either get (Jessica!) or something you don’t (my mother-in- law). But this kind of change renews my spirit.

Then there’s the kind of change I don’t like at first, but later come to appreciate.

I used to manage hotels. When I was young, my favorite thing to do was to stay in hotels. So unlike a lot of people, I actually had the career that I wanted to as a child. Of course, it was nothing like I thought it would be, but I loved almost everything about it. When I was diagnosed with Lupus, which is an autoimmune disease which in my case causes extreme fatigue, it became increasingly difficult for me to perform this job without sacrificing my health in the process – mostly because the job requires you to be on call 24/7. After I married Chris and moved to Birmingham, I never found a hotel where I felt like I was meant to be (Huntsville spoiled me forever). After the doctor told me a few years ago to change jobs if I wanted a 10 year anniversary, it wasn’t a difficult choice.

I went to work at an engineering firm and the change was excruciating. I had been in charge for almost 12 years, and suddenly I wasn’t. And it was so, so, so boring. But the money was good, and I actually had a job where I was off nights, weekends, and holidays. I think that was the biggest change – I went from having a career to having a job. Believe me, there is a difference. I didn’t appreciate it at first, but I grew to see this job, however boring, as a blessing. I could be off anytime I needed to go to the doctor (and when you have 4 different doctors, you need the flexibility). And I was finally able to work at home 2 days a week which turned out to be one of the greatest aspects of my job. However, now, the business has closed (not as a victim of the economy, but a victim of bad decisions. But that’s a whole other story). So I find myself facing another change: unemployment.

This is the kind of change I hate – uncertainty.

My favorite bible verse is Philippians 4:6, “Be anxious for nothing. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made know to God.” The funny thing is that this is my favorite because it is the HARDEST thing for me to do. You see -- I am a planner. I like to have a plan for everything. (Yes, some people would refer to this as a control freak, but I prefer “organizer.”) And if I don’t know what’s ahead – I worry. I know that I shouldn’t, and God doesn’t want me to, so why is it so hard to let the anxiety go? I have all these doubts running through my head: How can I possibly get a job where I can be off to go to the doctor as much as I do? There’s no way I could get a job where I could work from home! I can’t work in an office because of my physical limitations! I need a job soon so we don’t run out of money ! But I don’t want to have to start a new job! And it grows and grows and grows… And I hate it.

I hate uncertainty because it’s uncomfortable, stressful, and it starts to crush my spirit. It’s then that I have to remind myself of my favorite verse. Be anxious for nothing. NOTHING. Not a job, or my health, or my family. NOTHING. God knows exactly what I need, and he’s been preparing a job for me even before I lost this one. And I know that this will somehow turn into the kind of change that I will later come to appreciate.

Until then, I’ll go look around my house for the next room of furniture that looks like it could use a change.

Beginnings

I can't believe that I finally decided to start a blog. I fully realize that it may never be read by anyone other than me, and I'm not altogether sure why I decided to do it. Maybe it's because I am going through even more changes than usual, or maybe it's because I thought it would help me find the direction I need right now. Maybe I just wanted a place that I could talk about things I love, things I cope with, and all the things in between.