My Valentine

I’ve never been a big fan of Valentine’s Day.

I realize that the day is supposed to celebrate people in love, but I always felt like it served to make single people feel alone. Let’s face it – if you don’t have a Valentine of your own, most people spend the day dwelling on that fact (at least, most women :) Having been single for a really, really long time, I still have a soft spot in my heart for those that are still searching for theirs, so even now I don’t make a big deal about the day.

But I wanted to take a moment to say some things about my Valentine -- because he *is* a big deal.

I’m not going to go into our marriage and how it's great, and blah, blah, blah… We work on it every day, and the only thing I will say is that I believe every couple has to find what works best for them -- but they have to keep evolving. We are constantly discovering ways to make our marriage stronger, and I am thankful that God gave me someone who shares that spirit of commitment.

There are many reasons that I “fell” in love with Chris, but I find comfort in the reasons that I love him today: our Faith; a silly sense of humor that we share, respect for our parents, affection for our kitties, and a devotion to one another. We frustrate each other -- and we make each other laugh -- but I always know that at the end of the day he’s there with a loyalty and faithfulness that I can depend on.

The thing I want to emphasize about Chris is what he has become to me.

Chris isn’t romantic. He isn’t particularly “sweet,” although he has his moments. But he has a strength that I have come to rely on – more so than he realizes. He has dealt with important changes and adjustments in our marriage with character and compassion. I have faced health obstacles at every turn since we have been together that led to both our inability to have children as well as employment complications. And he had taken them all with grace, quiet acceptance, and sometimes a much needed dose of laughter. He taught himself to be encouraging and sensitive to me, since those characteristics don’t always come natural to him. And he has shown patience that surprises me at every turn.

I guess that I just want to say that I am thankful that I didn’t get all those prayers answered the way I wanted when I was younger. I’m glad that God waited and gave me what He knew was best for me -- My handsome, strong, funny, loving and supportive husband. And the assurance that he’s as devoted to me as I am to him.

So -- Happy Valentine’s Day, Pookie. I love you.

"Love bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Faith and Healing

I find it odd how some people can have the best intentions and still manage to attempt to crush my spirit. And I am mainly talking about fellow, spiritual Christians who I believe love and care about me. Sometimes I just wish people would stop and think about James 1:19 before they offer me “advice.”

“Be quick to hear, slow to speak...”

I was diagnosed with Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2001, Kidney Disease in 2004, Sjogren’s Syndrome (yeah, I know – what is *that?!*) in 2005, Degenerative Bone Disease in 2006 (which is now in my jaw, neck, back, hands and hips), and Celiac’s Disease this past year. I am allergic to well, almost everything except kitties (much to my doctor’s amazement) which cause almost weekly migraines. And, I have a stomach that just never… acts right.

I didn’t list all my aliments for sympathy, although I will admit there are times that I wish people understood my world a little better. You see, these are all “invisible” health issues – meaning that to most people, I look completely healthy. I have found this to be a double edged sword. On one hand – I’m glad. In fact, I try very hard to “pretend” that I am a normal, healthy woman who can do anything that any normal, healthy woman can. Except – I can’t. And that’s where the other hand comes in.

Sometimes I *need* people to understand that I can’t do everything without… effort. Effort to get out of bed each day and to do all the normal things that most people take for granted. And believe me when I say that I KNOW it is by the grace of God that I can. He pushes me every day to press on, and sometimes He reminds me that I need to rest. And I don’t like to complain because, having been labeled a hypochondriac as a child, I never really think anyone believes me. After all, I look perfectly healthy, right? But the truth is – I’m not.

But I could be. I have NO DOUBT that Jesus could, in the snap of a finger, restore me to perfect health. I could be healed of all these “incurable” diseases and my life would be completely different. And what an awesome and astounding testimony to Christ that would be. I pray for healing every day, not just for me, but for others in my life I know suffer with daily challenges as well (Bethany and Anita – I’m especially talking about you J). And I know that there are *so many* who pray for me on a daily basis.

My Faith has always been important in my life, but there were times when it wavered, and when I was first hit with this wave of illnesses, it was shaken. I thought that God forgot about me, was punishing me for something, or my needs and desires just weren’t important. That was the easiest way for the devil to get to me – making me think that if God really loved me, He would KNOW what I needed and not make me suffer. I mean – I have more faith than a mustard seed, so why wouldn’t He move my mountain? He can heal me – so why doesn’t He? But the answer has become very simple to me: My ways are not always His ways.

I often been surprised (and hurt) when I have had a fellow Christian tell me that I can be healed if I have faith and believe it so. If I would just claim healing then it would be mine. I have actually had (what I am sure were well meaning) people tell me this. The thing is -- I don’t believe that faith has anything to do with whether or not the Lord chooses healing. I know that some won’t agree with me, but as someone who lives with chronic conditions, I assure you. I have faith. I have faith in a God who is All Knowing and All Powerful. And He wants what’s best for me, even if I don’t understand what that is. One of my favorite quotes is “God is more concerned with your holiness than your happiness.” I can tell you without hesitation that I have grown more spiritually over the past few years than I would have without having to trust and rely on Jesus every day for strength. And I want that to be my testimony: That I continue to praise God despite the illnesses, because He continues to bless me through it.

I will admit that I still pray for healing, because it is my desire. But I cannot begin to imagine how different and horrible my life would be if God had granted my every desire. He has, however, continued to grant my every need.