Why is it that we have to learn lessons over and over again before we get it through our stubborn head? Or is this just me? :)
Since I’ve been dealing with some health issues, I haven’t written in awhile, but the latest journey has taught me an important lesson on fear. Of course, this is about the 100th time that God has tried to show me this message – let’s hope next time I remember it.
I finally decided – after years of problems – to have my gall bladder removed. I know it sounds like an easy decision, but it wasn’t for me. I have so many health issues that can interfere with healing and immunity, that surgery – little or big – becomes a major choice. But having prayed about it, and God literally (through my doctors) leading me toward it, I decided that – OK, I’ll do it. I mean, I’m not working right now. I am under no time table to heal. And most of all, what if it works and I have one less pesky health problem?
So I did what I always do. After going into busy mode to put it out of my mind (but hey, the dining room and hallway needed to be painted!) – I start praying about the specifics of it. The most important things to me were:
~The surgery be early in the morning
~No complications during the surgery
~That the surgery would fix the problem we were trying to fix
~That my recovery would go smoothly
~And most important of all to ME: That I didn’t get sick after surgery.
I know this seems ridiculous in the big picture, but each time I have had anesthesia, I have been horribly sick. I won’t give details, but it is usually brutal. So this was my greatest fear. I knew there would be pain, so that was ok with me. Just no nausea when I woke up from the surgery and I could deal with everything else just fine.
I prayed faithfully every day, as well as being on just about every prayer list imaginable. I knew that I was being lifted up in prayer -- I could just feel it. On the day of the surgery, I wasn’t scared. I was at peace…except about one thing. The most important thing to me: Being sick when I woke up. Every time I would pray, God kept telling me:
“Um, Susan. Do you trust me?”
“Um, yes Lord -- Of course. But sometimes You decide to do things that I don’t want. I’m just saying – this is really important to me…”
“Don’t you think I know that?”
“Well, yes…”
“Then TRUST me.”
My surgery day arrives, and I was told to be there at 6:15. Yay! Answered prayer. My Mom and Dad came from Huntsville, so my Mom went to the hospital with me and Chris and my Dad stayed home to kitty-sit. (Which was very important and extra special since he wasn’t feeling well. ) I wasn’t scared – just a little anxious in the way anyone is – but ALL I could think about was:
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
My anesthesiologist came in to talk to me as usual, and I told her about my past situations, so she loaded me up with a whole bunch of anti-nausea drugs. She even said that she would give me some before I left the operating room just to be sure. But still, that nagging voice:
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I don’t want to be sick.
I woke up in recovery and the surgery had no complications. Yay! Answered prayer again! And then, it came. My worst fear. I was BRUTALLY sick.
My sweet mother and caring husband had to deal with hours of me unable to even sit up. Bless Chris and my Mom – they were incredible. Both so comforting to me in a way that I can’t even put into words. The nurses kind of gave up and let my Mom and Chris deal with me because they had given me another dose of medication, but there wasn’t anything left for them to do. I had to just get through it. After a couple of hours, I was able to go home.
It’s been almost two weeks, and I am slowly recovering. And – I haven’t had the problem that we think the gall bladder was causing. Yay! Bam-Bam, two answered prayers!
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the ONE thing that I just wouldn’t give over to God was the one fear that came true. He wanted to take this fear from me, but I just refused to let go of it. I held onto it as tightly as I could. I didn’t trust Him with it. Sure, He could have chosen to eliminate the sickness after surgery. But I think He wanted me to really live the lesson this time: You have to GIVE ME your fear if you want it to truly go away.
As far as gratitude, I was overwhelmed by the feeling during this time. Gratitude for an incredible husband who got a lot more than he signed up for when we got married and has risen to every challenge. Gratitude for loving and caring parents who not only am I blessed to still have, but that -- after 42 years – want to take care of me. Gratitude for a sister and a brother that actually care about their little sister. Gratitude for Jess, Bethany and Anita for being the special gifts that they are in my life. Gratitude for in-laws that treat me as if I were their own daughter. Gratitude for every single person who prayed for me. I genuinely felt the prayers.
And gratitude to a Heavenly Father who’s always with me, loves me, and offers me blessings, grace, mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis.
So – I got it, Lord. In fact, as I enter my fourth month of unemployment and begin looking for a job, it would be really easy to slip into some bad thinking... What am I going to even look for? What can I possibly do that my health won’t interfere with? What…. Wait a minute.
Here you go Lord – it’s all Yours. No fear.
The Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says “Do not be afraid”
The Voice of Truth says ”This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.
~Casting Crowns
